Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast