Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas