Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, those are my real potatoes.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

My blood type is coffee.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

At least my masseuse has my back.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?