I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”