I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Good morning!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS