I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I bet
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.