I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.