Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Hang in there buddy

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

We decided to have money instead of children.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.