I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.