I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
![]()
You Might Also Like
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
![]()
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
![]()
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house