Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

is there nothing we can trust anymore

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

This was the best day of my life

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.