#IWishIHadNever noticed
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
me and who
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut