#IWishIHadNever noticed
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
pls suprot
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant