Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

I am laughing way too hard at this.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.