Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

👀

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.