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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37