j o i m p
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Mornin
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work