Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’