Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I gave up going to work for lent.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?