Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me My dog
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Every work meeting this week
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?