Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever