Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Well, this is awkward

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I love wikipedia

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry