Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse