[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.