Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Kids: Stay in school.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs