Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Haha! 😂

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Think I pulled my liver

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is