Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.