Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
two people or more is called a problem
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
i can’t wait that long
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like