Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

work smarter, not harder

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

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