Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs