Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]