Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me