Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.