Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I feel it
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now