Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

The Friday File.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Erm…

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ