jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
oh my gosh!!
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
japanese corn
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.