Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Extremely relatable.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *