Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.