Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

So, can we agree on 4 or

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”