[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
How to draw a duck
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me