[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time