Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.