Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

LOL

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

<- sleeps well with others

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em