Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me trying to look natural in photos
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Now colored!
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Drive like no one is watching.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”