Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.