Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen