Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Yes, but it was never about money

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”