Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Time heals everything 🙂

You saw nothing. I am ham.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

me and the Superbowl rn

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.