Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Camping tip: No.

How to woo a woman

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

me hitting on a model

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

Ok cat haters, explain this…

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell