Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

rise and shine we got egg

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.