Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”