Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve