Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting