@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

You Might Also Like

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@Eminem

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

@lucidchemistry

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

@jake_likes_naps

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

@PickleRudd

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

@shegotagronk

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

@IamJackBoot

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.