I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.