@radtoria

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

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@chrissyteigen

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

@jazmasta

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime

@TR_Wilson

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@Social_Mime

You reach an age when you become very critical about people parking near your house.

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

@daemonic3

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@broken_rhi

My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.