Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

You Might Also Like


Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”


My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime


don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue


You reach an age when you become very critical about people parking near your house.


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok


ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud


[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.


My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.