Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.