jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood