jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
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2023 was just a warmup
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this