[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Are we there yet?…
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
The internet is full of many things
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.