[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.