Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
You Might Also Like
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Accurate
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.