Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Monday
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused