Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

I cannot call her anything else now

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud