Jail
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
what?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that