HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.