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My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
@milehighocd: Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.
Me: *stabs fork into eye*
@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
@: I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.