Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
This sounds bad:
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.