Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

Yup

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket