Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

My support group can outdrink your support group.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

*bites zombie*

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails