Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

I will never stop laughing at this

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”