Jail
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
japanese corn
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.